How to Garner Twelve-Figure Incomes on Stubsack
You've done the work, now it's time to harvest: Get them scythes ready!(?)
Deer Readoid–
I started The Mighty Pen several months ago, and the big thing I might have learned since then is that my page (?) may or not still be called The Mighty Pen.
In honor of this grand anniversary celebration slash incredible revelation, I have decided to impart to you my knowledge of the “biz,” as we call it in the biz, in the hopes that you, also, might achieve the amazing, dizzying, nauseating heighths of success I have, based on the many aeons of experience I have garnished (several).
Step 1 in your (obviously) free, fool-proof plan to Garner a Twelve-Figure income is to Get Serious! Your Readoids have little time to waste on drivel like this, hence they should be fed a steady diet of fast-food keto vegan no-carb sugar- gluten- taste- and nonsense-free posts, assuming such a thing is possible (it isn’t).
This involves professionism. A writer must respect one’s audience enough to know that grammar mistakes, prolix prose, and spelling mistakes does not respect them, and respect should be a priority in building a rapport and respect with one’s readers. Also redundancy.
Another useful strategem (see what I did there?) is to cross-post one’s work on different, lesser media outlets like Spacebook or My Face. Doing so crosses one’s posts and this is good, I’m told.
A question my tens of followers always ponder asking me, probably, is “Jack? I’ve written upwards of several posts and yet my income has not nearly eclipsed the twelve-figure mark, what’s wrong with me [slurp].”
Well the answer to that is simple, dear! Nothing could be more plain! You have zero talent! You are wholly inadequate to achieve any success, even the one where you solve that famous riddle that goes “What walks on four legs in the morning, two at noon, and three in the evening (the answer is moot).”
One thing few writers on any platform think about with regard to their own success is pushups. Have you? Pushups are great for the spinal curvature of the spine, they burn calories, they protect several body parts like, I wanna say, the triphesials? from constant, nagging, and debilitating injuries. Like shingles. Pushups can improve your performance at other athletic activities, like math meets, if you squint a little.
In closing*, pushups can recreate your physique, which is important for paparazzi. I think this is the people photographing the famous people, or maybe it’s the famous people. #confused. Posting pictures of yourself with well-developed but meaningless surface muscles is a good way to convince prospective reads that you are a writer worth taking notice of!
Sample pushup routine for beginners:
–Flop on the ground onto your stomach and place your hands under your shoulders.
–Push yourself upwards (hence the name), defying gravity, and return to your starting position. Without breaking your face.
–Do 200 reps in the first minute, 300 in the second, 400 in the third, etc., usw.
–Repeat chorus: do three sets of eighteen twice a day for four weeks five times a month.
The results will be Earth-shattering, which, coincidentally, is what will happen below you should you attempt to follow this ridiculous and impossible training plan. Please disregard.
Many experts remind us that we have a unique voice, and should use it unabashedly, preferably with song. Anything that keeps you off this platform where your presence may sap valuable reading milliseconds from my Leserschaft**.
It is this Readership which will maybe eventually, with luck, getting serious, pushups, and unintelligible foreign words (like hewn) which will propel you to the tippity-top of the pinnacle of success (so bring your vertiGo!), so it behooves you to cultivate a intimate relationship with each and every reader, even that freak Charles Bonehamptonson (not his real name).
I use a Black Metal Tubular Rotary Card File Rolodex Card Filing System, which is simple and easy to use and is totally 21th century. On each card I print the name of each reader’s vitals with a pen***: like, their name, hair color, astrological sign, favorite Winnie the Puh character, his views on the UFO issue currently dividing the nation, nose length, favorite blind, rapidly-growing, ultimately destructive Hurrian monstrosity whose volcanic rage spurred the onset of Western Civilzation*VI, and youngest aunt’s dog’s name, if it wasn’t Minnie-Ha-Ha.
This filing system allows me to “suck up,” or so to speak, to my readers, and to project for them the illusion that I am merely mortal as they are, and put my shirt on one leg at a time. This assuages their insecurities and makes them feel loved, and less pathetic, which is good (for me).
Tip #47 is do not, ever, try to appeal to anyone. Or everyone? Seems like everyone would be better in this one case…
This one speaks for itself thank God because I have no idea what it means and shan’t be able to clear up any confusion on the matter.
Bananas have peals. So do bells.
I could go on forever, mainly because I’m truly amusing myself, and have cracked many a chuckle (?) since this winding adventure began. Yet I refuse to try the patience of my followers, located behind me somewhere, out of my line of sight. This shall go down as the last valuable tip in a slew*VII of tips.
THE eND
PS–Always edit! Never forget to ed it!
*–this boring pushup discussion
**–this is another top secret tip to growing your readership: throw in a couple of fancy-ass foreign words like usw and Bad-tabira and antediluvian to establish your authority on the subject. If there is one.
***–1.an instrument for writing or drawing with ink, typically consisting of a metal nib**** or ball, or a nylon tip, fitted into a metal or plastic holder.
2.the tapering cartilaginous internal shell of a squid.*V
****–This entire piece was, in fact, written solely in order to afford me an opportunity to use the word nib. Also: behooves.
*V–Definition #1 was used in the example above.
*VI–Trick question: there was only one.
*VII–How many believe I shoulda used bevvy here?
Photo by jose aljovin on Unsplash
Caption: two humans engaged in a teaching/learning situation. Whether or not they are learning Tip #?: “Use nib” is unclear, due to the secretive, conspiratorial turning of the device away from our line of sight, and the expensive glasses of the non-reflective kind the seated student is wearing. Sources close to this picture report that they are, in fact, studying the lyrics to the immortal Eiffel 65 classic “I’m Blue (Yow Bel Dee Dowbel Die)” from 1998, and, specifically, the hotly-contested verse:
I have a blue house
With a blue window
Blue is the colour(sp.) of my underwear!
Blue is the streets
And all the streets are too
Blue is the colour(sp.) o…………..f you!