Many people consider this the worst movie ever made, ever–either this or The Room (2003)–but I vehemently disagree. Plan 9 is a human odyssey, starring vastly underrated professionals, masters of their craft at the zenith of their prowess, who are trapped and under siege in what may as well be called “The Attack of (on?) Life Itself.”
Sometimes I wonder if the original title would have been better suited in Mr. Ed Wood’s quest for success on the big screen, but apparently the world was not ready for “Grave Robbers From Outer Space.”
The movie’s taut storyline joins a race of white, humanoid, English-speaking aliens who travel through the vast recesses of space to Podunk, America where they hope to prevent us humans from creating a doomsday weapon which would destroy the universe assuming it functions better than the Hubble Telescope. If the plot had a weak point, and I savagely oppose the idea that it might, it would be that the viewer is asked to believe we humans would be interested in having such a weapon (which, for brevity’s sake, I shall henceforth refer to as the “Uranium Pew-36 Explosive Space Modulator”), never mind the ridiculousness of the notion that we, gentle and loving humans one and all, would want to detonate this device.
To prevent such a catastrophe, the aliens implement “Plan 9”–hence the title (ed.)–which is a scheme to resurrect the Earth’s dead, referred to as ghouls. If there was another weak point in the story, and I highly doubt there is, it is that the viewer is forced to wonder what happened to the other 8 plans, because surely any of them could have topped this effort, but that is neither here nor there.
Since they went with #9, we are rewarded with the joy of seeing Swedish professional wrestler Karl Erik Tore Johansson, aka Tor Johnson, lumber clunkily in his zombie persona, a real highlight of the film because that’s how zombies move, and, more importantly, Bela Lugosi (yes, that one), who wasn’t technically “present” for the shooting of the film. Mr. Lugosi, despite the handicap of having already succumbed to a heart attack and the dastardly side effects of his morphine and methadone addictions, masterfully conveys a zombie/ghoul/vampire/dead thingy? in practice images director Wood shot for another never-realized project and added in later. One of these scenes was of Lugosi sniffing a rose next to a house standing adjacent to a graveyard: the house was actually Tor Johnson’s suburban home, because why wouldn’t it be?
Another scene showed the soon to be expired actor creepily approaching the camera (on a highway), with his cloak masking the lower half of his face, only to turn around and walk off again. #WeMayNeverKnowWhy
Other images of Lugosi in the film were sadly played by Mr. Wood’s wife’s chiropractor, who was taller and thinner than Lugosi and looked nothing like him, and also could not match the latter’s gravitas on stage, much to the chagrin of the viewer (if there were any).
But we were discussing the plot...
This zombie uprising was step one in the aliens' plan, and definitely not a cheap ploy by Wood to cash in on the audience’s interest in zombies (and aliens) at the time. Step two involved the zombies wreaking havoc and inciting chaos, which would logically force humanity to listen to the extraterrestrials who caused the disaster. Otherwise these aliens, whose alienness is marvelously hinted at (solely) by their crazy fashion choices, would rub out humanity with armies of undead–but hopefully things would not escalate this far, as Mr. Wood was on a shoestring budget.
I will not spoil the shock ending for you, mainly because I don’t remember it, but I will mention I was on the edge of my seat throughout, or do I refer to Cinderella III: A Twist In Time (2007)?
The main character was played by Gregory Walcott, who was also known for having roles, and who brilliantly conveys a tall, muscular, stoic, and somewhat interested human being for most of the movie. Another role is taken by Maila Nurmi, better known as Vampira, whose two talents ensured her many many supporting roles in other films, all of whiches names escape me at the moment. Despite the search engines at my disposal. Lyle Talbot played someone in the film, and was, like, good, but his claim to fame was that he never turned down a role (not even this one).
The role of Bela Lugosi was played by Martin Landau, who stole the show and rightfully won the 1994 Best Supporting Actor award for his efforts, although I realize now I am speaking of a different Tim Burton/Johnny Depp movie depicting the making of this masterpiece, and not the original.
While we are here, however, I must add that the wrestler George “The Animal” Steele’s portrayal of Tor Johnson in the ’94 version somehow surpassed the celestial acting heights the latter reached during the ‘59 film, especially with his growling.
Interesting to note: most people assume incorrectly that the flying saucers were merely paper or styrofoam plates, or hubcaps, and therefore fake. Which they were (?). In reality, the UFOs were played by authentic plastic models from Paul Lindberg’s fun plastic model kit (#517), first issued in 1952. Wikipedia tells us that these models were “disk-shaped,” and had a pressure-withstanding “clear dome on top.” A little green alien pilot manned the controls, but, Wikipedia also tells us, this “pilot figure was not used in the film.”
The scene where Sarah Jessica Parker is painting the plates metallic silver in the 1994 version is also memorable, despite the inaccuracy.
At this point it would be remiss if I were to neglect to mention the dynamite that held this film together; I speak of course of the narrator, played by Jeron Criswell King (born Jeron Criswell Konig (=King-German)). Mr. King was a wildly inaccurate psychic known as The Amazing Criswell*, but went by the appendage Charles Criswell King and was sometimes credited as Jeron King Criswell [aside-No, I am not making this up, why?].
The Criz’ delivers his lines in a dreadfully serious, stentorian manner, and if you are unsure what “stentorian” means then listen to C-dog for two minutes and you will never need (or want) to hear any further examples of it. The Crister also claimed to own a coffin and sleep in it, but that is also neither here nor there.
I would love to mention, as well, with all the attendant glee, that ”Chief of Saucer Operations Thomas Edwards said that the government has been covering up saucer attacks, and a small town has been annihilated.” I likewise gleaned this gem from Wikipedia, as my memory somehow glossed over the fact that there was a “Chief of Saucer Operations” in this movie.
Can you imagine him at dinner parties?
“And what do you do, Mr. Edwards?”
“I work for the government,” he says, chin high. “I’m Chief of Saucer Operations.”
“...uhh…What do you do Mr. Dahmer?”
Oh yeah, the “plot:” the events revolve around the pilot Gregory Walcott, played by Jeff Trent, or vice versa, it doesn’t matter. Somehow this pilot and a beat cop find themselves in the command ship doing what the US government was unable to do during the whole movie. They rescue the girl, who was trapped? and Jeff and evil baddie alien #2 Eros fight. If there is another plot faux pas, and I vaguely suspect there might not be, it is that this Eros person has a lot of sway amongst the almost American-looking aliens, yet is still not the commander. This position is occupied by the “alien” known only as The Ruler, which leads to confusion as to the hierarchy of the invading alien army of two? Three?
Anywho, a fire breaks out which destroys the alien ship. The humans get out just in time**, and when the ship explodes the zombies, logically, decompose into skeletons, because that’s what happens.
I also don’t think the Uranium Pew-36 Explosive Space Modulator is used. Or built. It isn’t mentioned after the, like, beginning.
Further roles include the alien ruler, called The Ruler, played by John Cabell “Bunny” Breckinridge, who was a drag queen, surprisingly, and, if “Ed Wood” is to be believed, actually a hairdresser. Dudley Devere Manlove expertly played Eros, and had one other role in the “talkies”–he played someone in another science fiction B movie called The Creation Of The Humanoids. Wow. Plus also he did television. And radio, whatever that is.
Sadly, this would be the last time this talented crew would work together. For some, like John Cabell “Bunny” Breckenridge, it would astonishingly be their first and last foray into the world of feature films. But just this once, the stars aligned to allow these brilliant creative minds to concoct and egest this unparalleled, immortal masterwork.
Who’s up for Plan 10?
*–Criswell claimed that Denver, Colorado would be struck by a ray from space that would cause all metal to adopt the qualities of rubber, leading to horrific accidents at amusement parks. He predicted mass cannibalism and the end of planet Earth, which would happen on August 18, 1999 (it didn't).
**–SPOILER ALERT